It’s been a while since I’ve talked about my health challenges. Heck, it’s been a while since I’ve written anything here, right? Since I am trying to show up more not only here in this space but also in my creative life I thought it would be a good time to talk about things again. When I first started blogging in 2006, it opened up a new world for me. I was able to talk for the first time about how I really felt about my challenges. I shared my deepest and darkest thoughts and feelings on my blog, things I couldn’t get myself to talk about with anyone… I mean it, no one knew really how I felt. They knew I was tired a lot but, they didn’t know the level of suffering I was going through.” Eat healthier and exercise, you’ll feel better!” It was always so hurtful especially when exercise would make my symptoms worse. Being able to write on my blog was so cathartic, wow! It’s so crazy that I am more comfortable bearing my soul to the world than I am having a one on one conversation.
This got me wondering, why don’t I share the way I used to? I tend to write when I am really feeling the pain. I used to work full-time jobs with long commutes and when I would get home I would spend hours on the computer and painting in the hopes of someday having my own creative business. During that time I was really suffering. My chronic fatigue, lyme disease and all of the issues associated with them where kicking my ass, I could barely function. My brain fog was so bad… I remember crying a lot in the car to and from work and no one knew. So what has changed? Honestly, I don’t think my health has improved all that much, I think I have been blessed with an easier life. All of that hard work paid off and I took some big risks leaving my job but I have been able to create a life that is much more nurturing. I don’t sleep well so, it is nice to have the freedom to sleep when I need to which probably makes the biggest difference in how I feel. I am also able to better take care of myself in general which makes life so much easier.
So, what brought this all up? I’m feeling the pain, of course! I really can’t complain too much ( I always feel like I need to say that because I feel so lucky to be able to work from home.) Sigh. Since I have been creating all of this new art, I am really excited about the possibilities and I have so many plans for it and a lot of work that needs to be done and I am struggling. I just find myself saying how am I going to do it? It’s not the fatigue that bothers me so much, I can work around that. It’s the neurological stuff. My memory is the pits and my fuzzy brain doesn’t allow me to think or process all that well. It’s funny, people see all that I am able to do that they dismiss my complaints about struggling. I just have this crazy inner strength that drives me to keep pushing through and I am able to paint in bed which really helps! ; )
Well, I’m not going to ramble on. I’m just showing up and telling you some of my secrets. I’m not playing the victim or looking for sympathy. I’m just telling it like it is and hopefully, if you suffer from life’s challenges too, you can see that you aren’t alone. Even people who seem to have the best situations are suffering too. Truthfully, I wouldn’t change a thing about getting sick. It has opened my eyes to what is really important and has given me a compassionate heart that wants to help others. That is the silver lining here, the true gift. hugs.